1001 Albums You Must Die Before You Hear – Black Lace’s The Blue Album


1001 Albums You Must Die Before You Hear

#41: Black Lace – The Blue Album (2010)

MATT KELLY has finally met his match in an album that he declares to be the worst he’s ever heard… ever!

Warning: Do not read. Loathsome, irredeemable filth which will make you question the free market forces that allow it to exist.

This is it. I’ve thought about it and this is it. This is the worst thing I’ve covered so far. I’m surprised to be saying this so soon after the Onision albums where I wondered if I’d hit rock bottom already, but that’s how bad this is.


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One of those I-can’t-believe-this-is-real affairs, The Blue Album is a re-recording of various Black Lace standards but with adult lyrics. So ‘Agadoo’ is ‘Have A Screw’ and ‘Do The Conga’ is ‘Do The Condom’.

It is as funny as it sounds. Original Black Lace mastermind Colin Gibb, now 57 years old, shows all the wit of a 13-year-old schoolboy with his childish, deeply unfunny sense of humour which Benny Hill would have found unsophisticated.

I’m reluctant to type out the lyrics to demonstrate how bad they are but song titles like ‘I’m A Wanker’ and ‘Gang Bang’ speak for themselves. ‘I’m A Wanker’ is particularly bad, illustrating why this album is such a horror show – it’s not just the grubby, mucky, distressingly inane lyrics, but the track SOUNDS HORRIBLE with bargain basement children’s music backing, an annoying voice and horrific backing vocals.

‘Supercock’, a parody of their old hit ‘Superman’, may be the worst thing here with Gibb calling out instructions to participants at an orgy and some sound effects I’m not even going to describe.

Front to back dreadfulness, The Blue Album isn’t just bad, it’s depressing, a wretched, mortifying experience. I hate it. To think someone thought this was a good idea, to think there’s an audience for it, brrrrrrr.

Still, if their Greatest Hits is the OK Computer of being shit, this is the Kid A, the band continuing to find new and mind-blowing ways to become even worse. Absolute kings of awful music.

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Matthew Kelly is the most important person in the music industry – the type of obsessive nerd without whom it would have no reason to produce box sets and nine-hour long documentaries.

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