Hand Bidet Kit REVIEW – arse blaster bummer?

June 26, 2021
Phil's bum gun and its box

Witchdoctor wine expert PHIL PARKER figures out how to save on toilet paper but discovers the cold downside of this handy gadget.

 

Phil’s bum gun and its box

Back in February, when visiting family in Carterton, I noticed an addition to their bathroom facilities. It was a hose attached to the toilet system, terminating in a stainless-steel hand-held jet gun.

The idea was, that instead of using toilet tissue to wipe your bottom, you squirt water into your nether regions for an eco-friendly result and the virtue of a sparkling clean rear end.

 

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Great idea, I thought, and a cheaper option to the traditional bidet normally found in parts of Europe.

Thus emboldened, I searched online for a similar product, and in no time discovered a local site offering free shipping. The ‘Stainless Steel Hand Bidet Kit’ was $85, including all fittings. The blurb says, ‘The hand bidet provides a refreshing and cleansing wash or convenient diaper spray right in the palm of your hand.’

The bum gun after the plumber has ‘done his job’ (ho-ho)

Well … the palm of your hand isn’t really the target zone TBH, copy guy… but anyway I paid online and waited for delivery.

What I did not realise was that the company imports them from Thailand, and they are shipped from there on a last-minute basis. Thus, it took a couple of weeks.

In the interim, the purchase showed up on my credit card statement as ‘Bumwasher Sydney NSW’. So much for discretion. Then the package arrived with a label saying ‘Butt Gun’ attached to the brown cardboard box. I guess they could have gone one further and attached a fluoro orange sticker saying Arse Blaster. Or Freckle Fresher. Or Skid Squirter.

I opted to get the experts in, rather than DIY as suggested by the chirpy copywriter on the website. So, our regular plumbing company sent their man over.

The bum gun about to meet its intended target

Fairly simple job. He added a water pressure adjuster to the setup. I guess that mains pressure H2O up the wazoo is not a good experience.

The verdict: Umm. Well, the thing is, it was a warm February day in sunny Carterton when I trialled this appliance. And the ambient reticulated water temperature was comfortably warm at the time. Fast forward to late June in Point Chev. Nah. A blast of icy cold water up the rear is not on my list of fun things to do in the morning.

Guess I’ll wait till spring. What a bummer.

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Originally a physiotherapist, Phil's fascination with the fermented grape juice led to the launch of his wine tour company Auckland Fine Wine & Food Tours at the turn of the century. A seasoned and well-respected wine writer, Phil's oenophilia led to the publication of his wine region guide to New Zealand, The Mad Keen Wine Buff's Road Trip (Random House).

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