EDITORS NOTE: When a temporal rift opened at witchdoctor towers, we were faced with the daunting task of cleaning up. We found a futuristic-looking USB stick that contained just this one story from the future…. here it is.
Jan 21, 2022
With the Coronavirus now a distant memory and the world mostly recovering from the pandemic, 2022 is shaping up to be a huge year for tech, and tech junkets are back on the agenda! Korean Tech giant Sumsing flew the entire Witchdoctor team to their “crush packed” launch event in New York. Here it is in all its glory.
Sumsing Smartphone division CEO, Gimme All Yorkash takes the stage.
Gimme All Yorkash: “You love our phones. This year we designed something special. We pushed our design and engineering teams hard to create a design that is fresh, ecologically sound but costs much less – I present to you the Nebulous T22™”
Huge applause fills the auditorium as the screen behind Gimme All Yorkash displays a cardboard box with T22 printed on its side.
“Everything about the nebulous™ is recyclable. You can even bury it and it’ll compost back into dirt”.
Several rotund Sumsing fanboys in the front row stand up and start applauding. The crowd goes berserk.
“We have pushed the technological boundaries super hard this year to come up with an incredibly versatile and fresh design, all the while reducing the cost of this year’s model. The price is…
No! Not even $1399!!!
The audience is on their feet. The applause is deafening.
Gimme All Yorkash: “So how did we achieve such an eco-friendly AND affordable design? Firstly, we eliminated the power supply. You won’t ever need to charge the Nebulous T22™, it will run for its entire usable life with no charging!!!”
The audience gasps with wonder. The silence at the Sumsing auditorium is deafening as the audience leans in to learn more.
Gimme All Yorkash: “Cutting costs to this unprecedented level presented us with some real challenges. We’d already stopped SD card support and killed the headphone socket with the T21™, so this year we went one step further and removed the entire phone from the box!”
Again, the audience is on their feet and the applause is thunderous. It is so loud that it feels as if it could bring the auditorium roof down.
Gimme All Yorkash: “Imagine, no unsightly bulge in your jeans pocket! No annoying and constant distractions from Facebook, Twitter, text, and emails!”
“Making phone calls from an empty box presented our engineering team with an unprecedented challenge, so we introduced the latest Sumsing technology, We’re calling it call guide™”
Gimme All Yorkash: “We have used cutting edge foldable technology to compile a paper list of directions to all public payphones. Making a call is effortless. There’s no battery charging, and users can boost their step count too”.
In the front row, several of the large Sumsing fanboys are heard gushing “Genius!!!”. Air punches and smiles all-round.
Gimme All Yorkash: “Speaking of step tracking, we have innovated there too! Let me introduce to you the T-pen™”
Upbeat music fills the auditorium. The lights dim as the screen behind Gimme All Yorkash displays a Biro pen.
“Our team partnered with writing legend Biro to bring the Sumsing T-Pen™ to the Nebulous T22™”
Rapturous applause erupts. Involuntary “wows!” are heard throughout the auditorium.
Gimme All Yorkash: “When you unfold the Call Guide sheet™ to make a call, simply count your steps as you walk to the payphone. Then record them with the optional $99.95 T-Pen™ on the back of the call guide™. Step tracking and zero battery usage!!! Again, Incredible!!!”
People are not only applauding. They’re stamping their feet, they’re pulling their hair and some are even ripping off their shirts.
As the applause dies down an expectant silence descends on the auditorium, fanboys put their ripped up shirts back on. Gimme All Yorkash gazes out over the audience and waits for excited murmurs to die down.
Gimme All Yorkash: “And what about music? We needed an environmentally friendly and cutting-edge tech for Nebulous T22 users to enjoy their music, so we came up with our most innovative technology yet – Sumsing True sound™”
Auditorium lights dim and a video starts to play of several attractive young models on a train, perhaps they’re commuting to their jobs… they open their handbags to reveal Sumsing Nebulous T22™ boxes!
The camera cuts to them opening the boxes and pulling out a piece of paper with True Sound technology™ written across its top in bold text. Underneath the heading is smaller text. The camera slowly zooms in on the piece of paper as the noise of their commute fades. the smaller text becomes readable, it says “Hum your music!”
One of the models starts to hum a Nana Mouskouri tune. Soon several kids begin to tap their feet. An elderly man starts to breakdance. His wife drops her zimmer frame and begins to air guitar and mosh. The next shot shows the entire train erupting into a flash mob-like dance party with everyone humming “turn on the sun”.
Nana Mouskuri is clearly making a come-back.
The video ends and the lights come back up in the auditorium.
Gimme All Yorkash is smiling.
Gimme All Yorkash: “Thank you for coming, on your way out please do collect your very own Nebulous T22. On behalf of our shareholders, we thank you all so very much!”