Witchdoctor proudly brings to you this exclusive extract from the Covidocy User Manual that someone handed to us at an illegal car boot sale. Follow this guide and you will look like a total tool.
The Witchdoctor is big on self-improvement and loves instructional reads. Rather than subject you to a sniffy book review, we thought we’d share an introductory excerpt.
Welcome to the Covidiocy user manual. This document is designed to step you through all the shitty behaviours you’re likely to ever need to allow you to become an asshole during the COVID outbreak.
WARNING: FOLLOWING THE STEPS DESCRIBED HERE WILL MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE AND UTTER TOOL. YOU WILL ATTRACT HATERS.
Attaining the coveted title of Covidiot need not be a long-winded or time-consuming undertaking. You can lose friends and fail to influence people by doing something as simple as finding and sharing unfounded COVID rumours on social media.
An example of this is the many rumours swirling around Facebook. These happen thanks to the many hate pages managed by other Covidiots who are demonstrating to the public that they suffer from small penis syndrome and are mentally impaired.
If you see a rumour, sharing it as far and wide as possible on all social media channels will earn you your first Covidiot badge. It will also see you incurring the wrath of the Minister of Health and a good number of your social media followers. Extra points are earned if you defend these conspiracy theories to the death, even against the soundest logic and concerted arguments from your online followers.
If you’re struggling to find a COVID-19 rumour to spread, don’t despair, just make some shit up! This method comes highly recommended from the many other Covidiots who have also read this manual!
WARNING: Covidiot failure can occur should you look at the rumour and do some thinking! Doing something foolish such as applying even a tiny amount of scepticism will negatively impact your Covidiot status. Asking if the rumour came from a credible source (e.g. a Government agency, scientists, peer-reviewed academic journals, or reputable media outlets will erode your Covidiot status.
Even if the rumour backs up long-held beliefs around politics/race/religion, take some time to make sure that it’s as far-fetched as possible. The more implausible it is, the more you will irritate the bejesus out of as many of your followers as possible.
For maximum Covidiot failure, don’t share the information. Report the page it came from and the sources who are distributing it so that they can be removed. WARNING: Doing this could result in the loss of covidiot status.
The Blame Game
True Covidiocy can be found in many ways. Still, the one sure-fire method that is guaranteed to make you a Covidiot and everyone else feel bad is to play the blame game. You won’t win any prizes (apart from the undying hatred of the few followers you still have left on social media). Still, you will gain instant recognition and kudos from other Covidiots.
Playing the blame game is simple. Just blame someone for the outbreak. For extra douchebag status, have a go at the family at the centre of the Auckland outbreak. You can, however, blame anyone. It could be the PM or the leader of the opposition (it is an election year after all!) Just don’t take any responsibility yourself. Who said Covidiocy had to be difficult! Just remember that playing the blame game will achieve precisely nothing productive. You will, however, attain Covidiocy status and lose most, if not all of your friends and followers.
Toilet Paper And Panic Shopping
Nothing quite shouts “I’m a fucking Covidiot!” like a shopping trolley filled with 20 months’ worth of loo paper. The publishers of the Covidiots Manual are firm believers in the fact that if you are going to die from a killer virus, you might as well die with a super clean asshole. Levelling up to expert Covidiot status need not be hard. You’d be forgiven for thinking that your massive loo paper stash isn’t useful for anything more than wiping your behind, but there is another use for it. That’s right – fermenting and distilling it to make vodka!
By doing this, you will achieve covidiot expert status. You will also be paralytically drunk, going blind, and have destroyed your liver. This is not a problem for Covidiot experts who can look for the nearest AA and figure out what to wipe their arses with now they’ve made hooch with all their loo paper stockpiles.
Lockdown And Security Level Ignorance
Taking the steps needed to achieve true Covidiocy status cannot be considered complete without executing these final tasks. Learn not to care what lockdown means. Walk the streets as if you own them! After all, social distancing is for pussies, right? If anyone is coming towards you, stand your ground. If they’re walking a dog or pushing a pram, force them onto the road, so you don’t have to exert yourself by being courteous! Fuck ’em, you’re a Covidiot!
While you could wear masks, loudly demand that they are impinging on your personal rights. Shout that they make breathing difficult (true Covidiots are of course mouth breathers, so this shouldn’t ever be a problem).
For added impact (this will earn you the ignorant asshole Covidiot badge), insist that COVID-19 is a Government fabricated hoax. If asked why say “because Gerry Brownlee said so”. For added effect say that 5G is somehow involved (doing so will not only piss off Paul Brislen, but it will also earn you the merit drop kick Covidiot badge). If you really must stoop to wearing a mask, use disposable paper masks. IMPORTANT: be sure to throw the paper masks onto the roadside when you’re finished with them. Doing this ensures that non-Covidiots tidying up after you can get your germs. Covidiocy mightn’t be contagious, but it could form the basis for your first COVID-19 conspiracy theory!
For instant Covidiot notoriety which also comes with free Darwin club membership, go on holiday. On your return, complain bitterly about the taxpayer-funded 5-star hotel you must stay in for 14 days when you get back to New Zealand. If you really want to achieve elite Covidiocy (also known as being a Covidasshole), try to sneak out of the managed isolation facility. Doing so shows the world that you are not only an aspiring Covidasshole, but you’re one that doesn’t give a shit about others (which is THE defining Covidiot trait).
Assuming you have followed these steps, you are now a member of an exclusive and elite club, the Covidiots.
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