Matthew Kelly1001 Albums You Must Die Before You Hear
#114: David Hasselhoff – Lovin’ Feelings (1987)
In part 2 of a survey of the complete musical works of Sir David Michael Hasselhoff, MATT KELLY describes a truly horrible record.
Step aside Cannibal Corpse – it’s David Hasselhoff’s second album that sports the most menacing artwork in town, as Dave pops his collar, looks you dead in the eye and threatens to sing to you all about his “lovin’ feelings”. (I really, really regret that the record is not called “Lovin’ Feelin’s” which would be so much funnier.)
This is a very special Hasselhoff album for me and my fellow Kiwis, as it was recorded right here in Aotearoa New Zealand after Hasselhoff struck up a partnership with NZ musician and producer Bruce Lynch. (In 1978, Lynch had worked on Kate Bush’s The Kick Inside – 10 years later he’s working on David Hasselhoff’s Lovin’ Feelings. What the hell happened?) Yes, 1987 was the year the New Zealand government enacted our famous “Nuclear Free” policy, yet they were asleep at the wheel as this atrocity was perpetrated on our soil.
In any case, LF is a stark departure from the unconvincing bad boy rock ‘n’ roll of Night Rocker, Hasselhoff now reinvented as a strong yet sensitive lover boy, croaking and crooning his way through a set of romantic pop standards. Overall, the album makes a wonderful argument for euthanasia, as even the hardiest of listeners is likely to be praying for death within a couple of tracks. Just try to make it through the insipid cover of ‘Stand By Me’, an endurance test at only four minutes. Hoff doesn’t even keep time with the offensively light keyboard backing as he sappily meanders through the song, the horribly produced backing vocals and cheesy sax casually urinating on Ben E King’s passionate, intense original.
And if you think that’s bad, Hoff’s ‘How Am I Supposed To Live Without You’ will cause you to reflect that Michael Bolton wasn’t that bad after all, Hoff and his syrupy backing making it sound like you’ve heard a noise late at night outside your bedroom window, you open it and lean out, and there’s your ex-lover, ready to passionately proclaim that they want to get back together – oh no wait they’re just sleep-walking and tripped over the sprinkler.
Cthulu can only aspire to the nameless dread that crept from deep within my sternum and trickled up and down my spine when I saw ‘How Deep Is Your Love’ on the tracklist and shuddered at the thought of Hasselhoff attempting a Bee Gees falsetto. The good news is he doesn’t try, the bad news is he doesn’t try, singing the classic love ballad with all the passion and focus of him scrolling through Uber Eats on his phone while recording. But like a true showman, Hasselhoff saves the worst for last as he mauls the iconic ‘You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling’, his leaden performance turning one of the great love songs of all time into water torture. I wish I could lose this Lovin’ Feelings.
Let me be very clear – this is far from the worst thing Hasselhoff ever did. We’re only just starting our dark descent. Ye who have yet to have your worldview shattered by the forbidden knowledge of ‘Do The Limbo Dance’, turn back now before it is too late.
