1001 Albums You Must Die Before You Hear

#77: Crazy Frog – Lazy Shit (2005)

MATT KELLY progressively loses his shit as he faces up to the monumental stupidity of the three Crazy Frog albums. Number 1 in NZ, you idiots!

I’m sorry I meant Crazy Hits. Crazy Hits is the name of the album. Lazy Shit is what it is.

Let me tell you something. Let me tell a thing to you. On YouTube Music, Crazy Frog has 13.7 million subscribers. Stevie Wonder has 1.0 million.

THIS MY FRIENDS, THIS IS WHAT GIVES ME THE DRIVE TO FIGHT, TO WIELD MY SWORD OF WORDS AGAINST THE TSUNAMI OF CRAP ALBUMS WHICH OBSCURE THE LIGHT. As I sally forth on my white horse into battle against the evil frog overlord of shitty music with a cry of “CRAZY FROG HAS 41 TIMES MORE SOCIAL MEDIA FOLLOWERS THAN KING CRIMSON”, it is then that I know I am wasting my time and give up and go back inside and tap away on my computer because it beats trying to effect any real change.

But if any phenomenon made music nerds want to storm the Bastille in the ’00s, it was this. It wasn’t that it existed. It was that it was so popular. Your faith in society crumbled as people you once knew, once loved and trusted began going “Bop bop chikky chikky chikky chikky wa wa”, words which once spoken there were taken back. It made you feel like Kevin McCarthy in The Body Snatchers standing outside CD shops shouting “YOU’RE NEXT! YOU’RE NEXT!”

For those of you who were not yet born, or were there but had lives, Crazy Frog was a disturbing ugly cartoon frog creature who ran around idiotically doing anything anytime with no consequence or continuity as a babble of senseless noises poured out of his mouth.

Some capitalist record executive somewhere thought releasing this was the ultimate aspirational role model for young people wanting to turn their brains off and experience stimulation without contemplation. Especially because he did not wear pants. He starred in awful l hyperactive childish videos which tricked people into looking at the screen in mute shock unable to look away as their brain insisted on puzzling out who on earth this was for during which time the music’s no-dimensional production crowbarred your hippocampus open and defecated its too-gauche-for-The-Wiggles hooks all over your temporal lobe until your brain was such a mess you could no longer properly structure sentences when reviewing it.

Each track has a similar formula – a brash, repetitive hook is played on early ’00s Europop synthesisers over some generic dance beat while occasionally the frog pops up to spout gibberish. Forget Devo – *this* was de-evolution, an aggressive attempt to regress your brain to a caveman-like state.

And it worked in my country – it hit #1 in New Zealand. I have not forgotten the hot tears of shame, of rage, the whakaitinga, as my eyes beheld this leering little cross between Gollum and an albino potato mocking me from atop the NZ Top 40 Albums Chart. Never again would I allow this to befall my nation, my homeland. And so I erect this list as a mighty barrier for the purpose of identifying and defending against all shitty music before it besmirches our fair land once more. Join me, hoa whenua, as we sing to the tune of the national anthem of New Zealand.

God almighty what is this
Surely they’re taking the piss
I can’t believe that these are hits
God destroy this awful shit

When I recall this got as far
As number one it breaks my heart
This sounds worse than kunekune farts
God defend our music charts

1001 Albums You Must Die Before You Hear
#78: Crazy Frog – More Crazy Hits (2006)

How would you *ding ding ring ding* like if it I wrote a *nag nag nog* review of an album *bing bing* where I continually punctuated *wooo wooo* what I was writing with stupid *ding dang dong* noises. Would be pretty *deet deet deet* fucking *ahh wop wop* annoying wouldn’t it?

And if it *nerp nerp nerp* makes you not want to read about the *dingy dingy ding dong* album, good *ritty skeet skeet* for you. Because incredibilly-bing-bong, MCH is even *wicky wick* worse than the dingadoot debut.

There are some astronomically *appa appa app app* terrible songs here. For starters there’s the *scoopa-poop-poop* sacrilegious trashing of Queen’ *clicky-clack* classic ‘We Are The Champions’ with *twicky twock twock* tempo changes that make no sense, the lamest *alla-alla op op* dad rapping you’ve ever heard, and of *ling-a-ling-ding* course, the ridiculous chipmunk nonsense noises of the *whoop whoop* Crazy Frog character interrupting every time the album approaches a *crashy smashy smash* bash cogent thought.

It takes a stomach of steel to *hoot a hoot hoot* survive the nauseating shit stain that is *loop da scoop* the cheap, shitty sounding desecration of *aaaaa fa fa faaaa* ‘I’m Too Sexy’. Crazy Frog is here to *ko ko ko* spray its bargain basement synthesiser diarrhoea and *gleep gleep gloo* shop-preset keyboard beats over *teep peep peep* all your fondest musical memories *faaaaa fo fo* from ‘I Will Survive’ to ‘The Final Countdown’ until only *yooo yooo yooo* a smoking hole remains where *pop pop da bop* the memory of the song once *trill trill trill* was.

And they’re not even the worst things on the *brap brap braaaaa* album; there are towering star-touching monuments to shit on this disc *moo moo mooooo* such as the supernaturally inane ‘Crazy Jodelling’ which is a polka-influenced Crazy Frog yodelling track and *hippa hoopa hoohah* is EVEN WORSE THAN THAT SOUNDS. And *ahoogahooaghey*, if you make it to ‘Nelly The Elephant’, prepare to descend to the ninth circle of *glupglupglup* hell, as your brain cells choose to end it all *ayayayayaaaaaaa* rather then endure this any further. The closing ‘Super Crazy Sounds’ is the frog’s isolated noises echoed and reversed and scratched and it is the sound of your mind spiralling into the abyss and it *hooga hooga yip yip yip broom broom plummy plum plum rippa dee dip dip grit grit yitty skit retta sketta weeep weeep munkunkun jilly jilly trumtrum permanent brain damage*.

The debut might be better known *foorara diddy hoohaha* because of the novelty, but ‘More Crazy Hits’ is against all odds *plink didda plonk didda dip bonk bonk*, an even worse album. The absolute *plippy-dip twicka twick twick twick* pits.

1001 Albums You Must Die Before You Hear

1001 Albums That Are Funny And Cool

#79: Crazy Frog – Everybody Dance Now (2009)

People said that if I kept listening to crazy frog it would rot my brain but it just shows they don’t know how to have fun and dance. The world would be a better place if we all danced to these crazy rhythms. I heard this album and now it is my favourite. I like the part where the frog made the funny noises. At first I didn’t like it but after three of these albums I stopped resisting and began to move my body just like the crazy frog and I went ring ding ding and it made me laugh. They told me I have been brainwashed but I said, “No I have been brain freed, ring ding ding, hahaha xD.”

My favourite part is the song ‘Everyone’ because it sounds like someone took the best parts of S Club 7 and Steps but put them to a dancing beat. My other favourite part is ‘Friends’ because I like singing along when it goes, “A friend’s a friend who knows what being a friend is / Do you want me as your special friend?”. This makes me think of some deep meanings which are very deep and meaningful.

My other favourite part is ‘Daddy DJ’ because imagine if your daddy was the DJ and you went to the party and shouted out “Hey Daddy DJ” at your daddy DJ, and it has some singing and funny noises. The best song is ‘Maya Hi Maya Hu’ because some guy is just going “Maya hi maya hu” in a weird voice it’s so crazy and random. They are very good songwriters to come up with new ideas like ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’, ‘Jump’ and ‘Safety Dance’ which don’t sound like any songs you have heard before. But the other best song is ‘Play The Game’ which goes ”din din-din-din din-din-din din din, din din din, din din din, din-din din din din”. And there is a track called ‘Solo Frog’ where the frog has a solo which is funny and random. But the best song is probably ‘Last Christmas’ because you can play this at Christmas time instead of that annoying Christmas music.

It’s sad that this is the last Crazy Frog, I don’t know why they didn’t make more, they could do one of these every year like my other favourite album Now That’s What I Call Music except with Crazy Frog on it. If someone tells you this is stupid music, or it’s not smart enough, you can show them this review.