Matthew Kelly1001 Albums You Must Die Before You Hear
#54: Sega World Sydney – Sonic In Sydney (1997)
MATT KELLY knows a turkey when he hears one, and unsurprisingly, its perpetrators have tried to bury this shocking ’90s disaster.
I’d like to think I’m above punching down on a video game character-themed children’s musical produced by a catastrophic failure of a theme park. But then I’d also like to think I’m a millionaire, so let the downward punching commence!
Buried pretty hard by a bunch of people who didn’t want their careers linked to it, Sonic In Sydney is an audio version of a live stage show performed by people in awful furry costumes (see the photos) at Sega World Sydney, Australia’s failed Sega themed amusement centre.
The whole enterprise of Sega World was a slow-motion train crash, but this abomination didn’t help. Musical delights on offer include ‘What Are We Waiting For’ in which Sonic, over the fartiest bass synths you’ll ever hear, delivers distressingly vanilla rhymes about what a rebel and cool dude he is. It seems like it would have been quaint even years before 1997 and will have a surreal edge for Rush fans as Sonic’s vocalist is a dead ringer for Geddy Lee. And those obnoxiously cheerful organs on the second verse, bleurgh.
Bad guy Dr Robotnik’s song ‘Give Me Chaos’ is possibly even worse as Robotnik talks his way through clumsy lyrics that don’t scan or particularly rhyme, continually punctuated by irritating bargain basement orchestra hits.
They save the worst for last with love interest Princess Sally’s ‘Thank You For Being You’ which may be the gloopiest most saccharine love ballad I have ever, ever heard. It’s incredible to think it isn’t a parody, as every single scintilla of sound is awash with syrupy cliches and eye-rollingly faux romanticism. That the chorus is dedicated to all the feelings the vocalist has “deep inside” for a fictitious pixelated blue hedgehog just pushes it over the edge.
“OH SONIC THANK YOU FOR BEING YOOOOOOOU
OH SONIC THANK YOU FOR MY RESCUEEEEEEEEE
YOU’RE MY SPECIAL ONE I JUST HAD TO LET YOU KNOW
I WANNA HOLD YOU CLOSE AND NEVER LET YOU GOOOOOOOO”
As for the play, it’s full of witless dad jokes and you’ll want to strangle comic relief Tails the fox every time he utters one of his supernaturally obvious punchlines.
And look, Knuckles is on the artwork. Knuckles is an echidna. The story is set in Sydney. Echidnas are Australian. What an opportunity to please the crowd. YET HE DOESN’T BLOODY APPEAR DESPITE BEING ON THE CD CASE. Yet in further evidence of Sega’s poor grasp on zoology, Knuckles was often portrayed as being Jamaican. Either way, we are spared Knuckles performing a barbecue reggae number about magic rings. We are not spared Robotnik wanting to bang Sally, perving her up and expressing enjoyment when she slaps him – so much for the “It’s just harmless entertainment for little kids” argument.
Shockingly bad even with the low expectations you’d bring to it, no one will be surprised this show was scrapped a few months into the park’s lifespan. An overlooked gem of terrible ’90s things.
