ANDREW JOHNSTONE explains why he keeps his cheese grater under the bed.
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So it took me three years to get around to buying a cheese grater. Oh dear, it’s going to cost money. And where will I put it? I have no space for a cheese grater. Do I need a cheese grater, anyway? Then I think about all the cool things I’d grate, like beetroot.
Grate beetroot then cook it over a fast high heat with a little olive oil to moisten proceedings. Throw in some spice, a dash of sugar and some balsamic. Cook off the liquid, chill then eat. Goes well with crusty bread and a boiled egg.
A grater (also known as a shredder) is a kitchen utensil used to grate foods into fine pieces. Frenchman Franรงois Boullier invented the cheese grater in the 1540s to grate cheese, which is why we divide time into two epochs: Before Grated Cheese (BGC) and After Grated Cheese (AGC). Is it just me, or does cooked grated cheese taste better than cooked sliced cheese? I wonder if this is a thing. I am going to Google it. Back soon and PS: Microsoft Word, why are you urging me to capitalise Google?
Toasting cheese in a toaster can be trouble but being careful avoids that. The internetโs favourite toaster cheese sandwiches are made from sliced bread, but the goods are prone to run out the side and catch on the electricals, which is why I use pita.
A pita is a self-contained miracle of cooked bread dough that will hold a filling secure and stand up to a little heat. And you donโt have to tip the toaster sideways (to stop the filling running out of the bottom). โIf toasters were meant to be used sideways they would be โsideways toastersโ and not โupright toastersโโ โ Wise Chinese Sage. (Pita has a sealed bottom, making it fine for upright toasting).
But first, why am I toasted cheese sandwiches in a toaster and not a toasted sandwich maker? Because I have a toaster and I donโt have much space and the toaster and toasted sandwich maker together would push me out the door. Besides, when you are frugal about money, a specialty machine for making toasted cheese sandwiches seems excessive.
Cheddar cheese (the most flavoursome of the cookable cheeses) is full of fat and leaks and burns and makes smoke and alarms go off. A low fat cheese like Edam avoids this. Likewise Mozzarella. NZ makes most of the Mozzarella used on Chinese pizza, which means this commodity is in demand, scarce and expensive. Hey, Iโm not complaining. Those exports pay for what is mostly a wonderfully carefree and relaxed Socialist Democratic paradise, so the cheap flavourless Edam no one else wants will do just fine.
Grate cheese, mix in finely chopped onion, some diced olives, Kaitaia fire, pepper, herbs, smoked paprika, whatever you want. Slice pita in half, stuff halves with cheese mix and toast on low heat (Pita is delicate around high heat). And donโt over fill the pita. Itโll stick and burn and make a mess. On the matter of cooked grated cheese, Google/finecooking.com says:
Finely grating the cheese creates more surface area, allowing heat to permeate quickly for even melting. Large or irregular chunks of cheese melt at different rates, can melt first on the outside and then overcook, or become clumpy or oily before the inside of the chunk starts to flow.
The first time I heard the word Google I thought it weird and unwieldy – clumsy and silly. When I realised what Google could do the word became more meaningful. I got to like it but I never got to like U2. First time I heard that name I thought โdumb word playโ and could never really take them seriously after that. This probably makes me a prat or a snob or some such. As for Google/google here is what Wikipedia has to say:
โSearch for information about (someone or something) on the internet using the search engine Googleโ.
It tells us that you can only google on Google. A Little โgโ is fine when using the word to describe a search on Google Corporationโs information gathering algorithm machine, but a big โGโ is in order for describing the auspicious company behind the brand. It is improper to say, โI will just google thatโ on any search engine other than Googleโs, but you can โbingโ on Bing or โduckduckgoโ on Duckduckgo.
So anyways, I got the damned cheese grater. It cost $3 at The Warehouse. If I had have known it was going to be that cheap I might have bought one years ago. Otherwise, I have nowhere to put it except under the bed and that feels wrong.
โDo you have a cheese grater?โ she asks. โYeah. Right there, under the bed,โ he says pointing. โOhโฆ really?โ she says, raising an eyebrow.
โGoogle it/on Bing/Fuck the Man/The thing is/I am a maverick/I keep my cheese grater under the bed/Bing/Bang/Boing/Take that bitchโ!
โIโm a rapper,โ he tells her, but she has already gone.